By Juan L. Mercado

(FROM THAILAND, a friend emailed: “You’ve brightened many weekends for me by sharing  jokes. Let me reciprocate.” Here is what this friend sent. Enjoy – JLM)

Five surgeons were  discussing  the types of people they preferred  to operate on. “I like to see accountants on my operating   table,” the first said.  Why?  “Because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”

“Yeah, but you should try electricians!,” says the second doctor. “Everything inside them is color coded”That’s fine. But  I still   librarians are the best,” chimes in the third. “Everything  inside them is in alphabetical order.  “You know, I like construction  workers best,” says the fourth surgeon. Those guys always understand when you have afew parts left over.”

But its was  fifth surgeon  who  shut them all up. “You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on,” he said.   There’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head  and the arse are interchangeable.”

When   people swap travel  tales, they invariably include  startling jokes that crackle  over  the airplane’s  public address system. Here are some, emailed by  our well-travelled friend from Thailand .

“Delta Airlines is  pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry,” the pilot said in his welcome spiel. “. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!”

Southwest  Airlines does not  have  assigned  seating.  You plunk down  where you want. And on this flight,  passengers apparently had a hard time  choosing.  “People, people!  We ‘ re not picking out furniture here,” the flight attendant  announced. “Just   find a seat and get in it!”

And when everybody was finally seated, the pre-flight instructions came:  “To fasten   your seat belt,  insert the metal tab   into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat  belt. And if you don ‘ t know how to operate one , you probably   shouldn ‘ t be out in public unsupervised.”

American  Airlines, however,  had  an add-on for it’s  instructions on emergency exits:  “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover.  But there are only  four  ways out of this airplane”

For  sudden loss of cabin pressure,   Garuda  Airlines  had this   guideline  “Oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming. Grab the mask, and pull it  over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you,  secure  your mask before assisting with theirs.  If you are traveling with more  than one small child, pick your favorite.”

Prior to take off  came  the weather  report  from the cockpit of  this  Thai International  747  flight.   “Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds.  But don’t worry., We ‘ ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you. And  remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than  Thai International.”

“Your seat cushions can be used for flotation;” Alitalia  tells it’s  passengers:  .  “In the event  of an emergency water landing,  please use it and paddle to shore. You can  take them  home  afterwards —  with our compliments.”

This  Continental Airlines  flight, however,  had  very “senior” flight   attendants. “Ladies and gentlemen, we ‘ ve  reached cruising altitude,” the pilot said. “We’ll  be turning down  cabin lights. This is for your comfort. It should  also  enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, if you  wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing,” Malaysia Airlines  says.  “And   if you can light ‘ em, you can smoke ‘ em.”

After a very rough landing, the first officer stood  at the door,  to smile at exiting passengers and say:  “”Thanks for flying  Saudi Airlines.” The last passenger was an old lady with a cane. “Sir, do you mind if I   ask you a question?”, she asked.  “Why, no, Ma ‘ am,” said the pilot replied. “What is it?”  The little old lady asked: “Did we land?  Or were we shot down?”

Overheard on  an Cathay Pacific flight that just landed  after a rough windy flight.  “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to  Hong Kong .  Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened  while the Captain taxis what ‘s  left of our airplane to the gate!

Next to airplane p.a. chatter, travel tales  also include  attention-getting  sign  boards.  These ones were gathered by a travel buff:

“If  at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you,” says  an  airport cafeteria. “Money  isn’t everything. But it sure keeps the kids in touch”, a  car bumper sticker proclaims.  “Learn from your parents’ mistake,” says another sticker. “Use birth control.”

“Ninety-nine percent of  all  lawyers give the rest a bad name,” claims graffiti scrawled outside a courthouse. “Artificial  Intelligence is no match for natural  stupidity,” says another. And the top  notcher on a basketball court : “It’s not whether you win or lose but how you place the blame.

And finally comes what my friend calls the “cleanest e-mail joke that I’ve come across in a long while.” The title is: “How to Tell the Sex of a Fly”

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.   “What are you doing?”, she asked.  “Hunting  flies”, he responded.
“Oh. And have you killed any,” she asked. “”Sure. Three males and two females”  he  replied.   Intrigued, she asked:   “But  how  can you tell them apart?”  His reply: “Simple. Three were on a beer can and two were on the telephone.”