By Juan L. Mercado
(FROM THAILAND, a friend emailed: “You’ve brightened many weekends for me by sharing jokes. Let me reciprocate.” Here is what this friend sent. Enjoy – JLM)
Five surgeons were discussing the types of people they preferred to operate on. “I like to see accountants on my operating table,” the first said. Why? “Because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”
“Yeah, but you should try electricians!,” says the second doctor. “Everything inside them is color coded”That’s fine. But I still librarians are the best,” chimes in the third. “Everything inside them is in alphabetical order. “You know, I like construction workers best,” says the fourth surgeon. Those guys always understand when you have afew parts left over.”
But its was fifth surgeon who shut them all up. “You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on,” he said. There’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the arse are interchangeable.”
When people swap travel tales, they invariably include startling jokes that crackle over the airplane’s public address system. Here are some, emailed by our well-travelled friend from Thailand .
“Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry,” the pilot said in his welcome spiel. “. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!”
Southwest Airlines does not have assigned seating. You plunk down where you want. And on this flight, passengers apparently had a hard time choosing. “People, people! We ‘ re not picking out furniture here,” the flight attendant announced. “Just find a seat and get in it!”
And when everybody was finally seated, the pre-flight instructions came: “To fasten your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt. And if you don ‘ t know how to operate one , you probably shouldn ‘ t be out in public unsupervised.”
American Airlines, however, had an add-on for it’s instructions on emergency exits: “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover. But there are only four ways out of this airplane”
For sudden loss of cabin pressure, Garuda Airlines had this guideline “Oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming. Grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.”
Prior to take off came the weather report from the cockpit of this Thai International 747 flight. “Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds. But don’t worry., We ‘ ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you. And remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Thai International.”
“Your seat cushions can be used for flotation;” Alitalia tells it’s passengers: . “In the event of an emergency water landing, please use it and paddle to shore. You can take them home afterwards — with our compliments.”
This Continental Airlines flight, however, had very “senior” flight attendants. “Ladies and gentlemen, we ‘ ve reached cruising altitude,” the pilot said. “We’ll be turning down cabin lights. This is for your comfort. It should also enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”
“Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing,” Malaysia Airlines says. “And if you can light ‘ em, you can smoke ‘ em.”
After a very rough landing, the first officer stood at the door, to smile at exiting passengers and say: “”Thanks for flying Saudi Airlines.” The last passenger was an old lady with a cane. “Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?”, she asked. “Why, no, Ma ‘ am,” said the pilot replied. “What is it?” The little old lady asked: “Did we land? Or were we shot down?”
Overheard on an Cathay Pacific flight that just landed after a rough windy flight. “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Hong Kong . Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what ‘s left of our airplane to the gate!
Next to airplane p.a. chatter, travel tales also include attention-getting sign boards. These ones were gathered by a travel buff:
“If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you,” says an airport cafeteria. “Money isn’t everything. But it sure keeps the kids in touch”, a car bumper sticker proclaims. “Learn from your parents’ mistake,” says another sticker. “Use birth control.”
“Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name,” claims graffiti scrawled outside a courthouse. “Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity,” says another. And the top notcher on a basketball court : “It’s not whether you win or lose but how you place the blame.
And finally comes what my friend calls the “cleanest e-mail joke that I’ve come across in a long while.” The title is: “How to Tell the Sex of a Fly”
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. “What are you doing?”, she asked. “Hunting flies”, he responded.
“Oh. And have you killed any,” she asked. “”Sure. Three males and two females” he replied. Intrigued, she asked: “But how can you tell them apart?” His reply: “Simple. Three were on a beer can and two were on the telephone.”